Who are the Detroit Club People?

Ok, I think its time we talk about a subculture that has become far too prominent in the metro area – Detroit Club People. Now, before I launch into this, let me qualify what I am saying. I like clubs, they are an entertaining diversion and an all around fun place to spend the evening. Further, as someone who DJ’s, I might be opening myself up to a lot of criticism here. Who am I talking about then? This rather subdued, overtan, trendy bunch of misfits who are only concerned with going to the latest bar where some hack local dj (who they claim to know) is playing. For example, these people always say things like “Oh, I’m promoting this event at (insert club name) in (insert distant metro area city) where DJ (insert name) is playing.” Further, these people have an inexplicable morbid fascination with door guys, dj’s, photographers, and club owners.

Though I do not know for certain, I think the hierarchy works like this…

- aspiring Detroit Club Person (person who has failed at actually becoming one of these idiots)
- Detroit Club Person (see above)
- Door guy (usually a fat person that is rude to you while you are paying admission)
- Bouncer (usually a fat person that is being rude to you as they are escorting you from the premises)
- Promoter (this is usually a Detroit Club Person who tells you to go to a Detroit Club and claims they are employed as a promoter, though they are usually just telling a self-serving lie to ascend the ranks of Detroit Club People… its confusing I know)
- Photographer (person walking around club with a large camera who later posts photoshopped pictures of Detroit Club People on the internet)
- DJ (person who yells his own name over music)
- Club owner (person who makes money from all the above listed idiots)

This is just so ridiculous to me since Detroit and its surrounding suburbs are not trendy or highly metropolitan places. The idea of being exclusive and fabulous in the heart of the Midwest is just totally absurd. I cannot imagine a more convoluted or futile existence.

How do I know these people exist? Well, the magic of the internet has exposed me to this rather peculiar breed of human. These people thrive on the existence of social networks (as they are guaranteed to have high contrast photoshopped profile pictures of themselves at these Detroit area clubs).

How do you win this game? Once again, I’m not sure, but I know the below listed things help

- Being in pictures taken by the above listed photographers and then posting them on facebook/myspace so your other idiot Detroit Club Person friends can then comment on them
- Dating a DJ/ club owner/ photographer or anyone in the Detroit Club Person scene ranked higher than you and talking about it incessantly
- Sitting at a booth someone else paid for
- Knowing about more stupid Detroit Club Person events than other Detroit Club People
- Constantly being on your cell phone at clubs talking about how some other Detroit Club is far superior to the one you are at
- Writing things like “Thanks for the add” on people’s myspace/facebook pages

- Naming photo albums after lyrics in top 40 songs

- Constantly talking about how they are either hungover/planning on getting drunk at a hip Detroit Club

So, that’s my shtick. I usually try not to generalize or paint with broad strokes, but I thought I’d make an exception here. Its not like any of the people I’m making fun of are in places of importance, like Senators, Judges, or Congress people. At best they are dating a Dj who thrives of playing “A Mili” six times a night while yelling his own name into the microphone, just in case all the brilliant Detroit Club People didn’t catch the announcement earlier in the evening.

The nice thing about Detroit Club People is that they have VERY short attention spans, so they likely didn't make it far enough in this article to know they are being made fun of.